i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
