And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize