i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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