he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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