would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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