glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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