Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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