but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
