if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Vodka?
Forever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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