Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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