I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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