I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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