You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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