this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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