Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
