I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
