Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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