Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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