Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
