Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize