I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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