My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
