I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
