I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
