Just fell off a train. Bad.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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