he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
