At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
