oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
