this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
