The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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