just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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