Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
