6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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