so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
