Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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