i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
