We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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