you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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