happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
