it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
