Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
