I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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