We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
