areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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