I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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