The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
