my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
