dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
