i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize