Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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