I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i think i just lost a toe
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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