a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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