I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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