Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
