I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
