I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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