Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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