My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
