Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I touched a dick in church today
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
