there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
