I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
