I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
