my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
